Ba-da-bing

One thing that Owen has started to learn at school is the art of telling jokes. I say "starting to learn" because he has a long way to go. Right now he likes the idea of telling jokes, and having them told to him, but his sense of comedy is a little, er, underdeveloped.

Consider this joke that Owen proudly told me the other day:

Owen: Dad, do you know why the monkey hit his head on the apartment building?
Me: No, why?
Owen: Because he died. (Then he laughs, heartily.)

He later asked me to tell him a joke, and I admit my material for a four-year-old audience is not so hot.

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Owen (giggles): Why?
Me: To get to the other side!
Owen: Did he look both ways?
Me: Uh, sure.
Owen: So he crossed safely?
Me: Yes. But I think you missed the joke.

Then it's his turn again.

Owen: Why did the dog cross the road?
Me: I don't know. Why?
Owen: He got hit by a truck. (laughs.)
Me: Ah. Of course.
Owen: And he was killed.
Me: OK. Good one.

Perhaps it will play better at Junior Kindergarten.

Conversations with Owen, Vol. 1, Iss. IX

Owen and I are reading books, and we are discussing different construction jobs. He points to a front-end loader.

Owen: What's that guy's job?
Me: He's a front-end loader driver.
Owen: Is that your job?
Me: No, I work at the newspaper. You know that.
Owen: Oh, right. But what's your job called?
Me: I'm an editor.
Owen: An editor?
Me: Right. Actually, my job is called night editor.
Owen: Why?
Me: Because I work at night.
(Pause)
Owen: Like Batman?

I would look pretty good in a cowel.

Slight progress

Abby is now nine months old, and we finally have a picture of the two kids together. (Not for lack of trying, but Owen tends to reject the concept, as though he's planning on putting a contract hit on her and wants to maintain plausible denialbility when questioned by the cops — 'What, her? Never seen the kid.')

It isn't much, but it's a start. Notice how Abby is absorbed in watching Owen. Petting him, even.

Another one for the wedding speech

Owen has been fully toilet trained for some time, but he's only recently shown any interest in, um, self-wiping.

So the other day he conducted his business and called me in to the bathroom after he had finished, proud that he had wiped himself. He had moved on to washing his hands by the time I got there, so I gave him a quick follow-up wipe, as is the plan under he gets used to taking care of it himself.

He didn't notice my follow-up, then asked if I had done so. I told him I did.

So naturally, he bent over at the waist and tried to put his head between his legs to look for himself.

Are you checking my work? I asked.

Yes, he said. Then he sat on the bathroom floor and dragged his bum over a tile, which reminded me very much of a dog we used to have, except the dog only did that on carpet.

It's clean, Owen announced, and pulled his underwear and pants back on.

I plan on telling this story to the first girl he brings home on a date.

Conversations with Owen, Vol. 1, Iss. VIII

I'm making Abby some formula in a sippy cup.

Owen: Daddy, can you come help me build a dino zoo?
Me: In a minute buddy, but first I'm going to give Abby some milk.
(Pause)
Owen: But that won't work.
Me: Why not?
Owen: Because you don't have boobs.

Conversations with Owen, Vol. 1, Iss. VII

Owen is under the impression that one's height corresponds to one's age. Thus, now that he is four he is also four feet tall. We were recently discussing one of his kindergarten friends, Cole.

Owen: Do you think Mommy and Abby and I can go to Cole's house this afternoon?
Me: Maybe. Does Cole have any brothers or sisters?
Owen: A brother.
Me: Older or younger?
Owen: Older.
Me: How old is he?
Owen: Seventeen.
Me: Really?
Owen: He's almost 20 feet tall!

Cole's brother, I'm told, is two.

A breakthrough

Abby officially has her first tooth. This comes as a bit of a relief, because for some time we've wondered if various moments when she's been uncomfortable could be attributed to teething.

When Owen was little we thought for months that his teeth were imminent, but they took their sweet time. The cries and pained expressions usually meant he needed to poop.

It will be interesting to see if Abby's teeth come in with the speed of her brother's. It took a while for that first one to pop through, but then his teeth were like the Allies landing at the beaches of Normandy. We'll see if she gets them one after the other, too.

Don't say it!

One of the most amusing things about Owen at this age is he babbles incessantly, often as though he is providing a constant narrative to his life. It's like he's a tour guide for Life of Owen.

A few months ago, Owen and I were walking from the parking lot from to the video store, and the boy was reviewing all of his favourite video selections. A very large man passed by us, and Owen pointed and said, "That man is fat," then carried on talking about videos. I avoided eye contact with the man and hoped he hadn't heard.

So the other day I took Owen swimming at the indoor pool. As we were getting changed, a very large man sidled next to us and began to disrobe. I immediately engaged Owen in a discussion about vehicles in hopes it would keep him from making any observations about the man.

It worked, sort of. The man went out for his swim right about the time Owen was finished discussing front-end loaders.

"Daddy?," he asked.
"Yes," I said.
(Whispering) "That man has a very big belly."
"That's true, he does."
"Why?"
"Maybe he has a baby in there."
"Don't be ridiculous."

Four

Owen's birthday was a few days ago, but it felt like a birthday week. The party was chaotic, as can expected whenever a handful of 4-year-olds and their younger siblings are in the house together, and Owen managed to not go too insane at the prospect of a pile of new toys. He was dizzy with excitement, but held it together. In the party's immediate aftermath, he even allowed his baby sister to play alongside him. (Her hat was purchased in anticipation of her first birthday, but we gave it a trial run. By the time she turns 1 she might have decided she doesn't want anything on her head.)

Princess plump

I hate to admit it, but right now Abby's looking more like one of those burly step-sisters than Snow White. She even has the proper haughty expression.

Still, she wore the costume happily, which is more than we could say for Owen at her age.

Fat people really are more jolly, I guess.

A historic moment

Yesterday was Halloween, and it was the first time we managed to get Owen to wear a costume that was more than a slight variation on his usual dress. What is he, you ask? Clearly he's a member of Lightning McQueen's pit crew.